You always want what You can't have

Even though I'm not doing what I enjoy with my life.. I still have a family who cares..

Even though my best friend has completely vanished from my life without even knowing why.. I still have friends...

and even though the man i love so damn much let's me go so easily.. I have a heart that still beats..

and going through all of this.. I know that all i can do is keep breathing..because somewhere out there other people are going through worse...

and even going through all of this..I still believe there has to be some light at the end of this dark tunnel..

but sometimes.. when i'm so exhausted.. I just forget about all that..and just want to scream or cry or laugh at how ridiculous it all seems..

well, that's just how I feel..

hahaha i think i have like a million post to say hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii im backkkk

just pics for someone to see...
 

ugh i can't upload the other pics. but oh well
 

 

hey hey hey. I have been gone but i'll try to be back altho i know it wont be often.

anyway i'll be uploading some pics sooon!

in a nutshell. i got rejected from NTU. even if i got accepted i wouldn't go in anyway cos im supposed to be taking over my dad's company. and apparently I'm getting back in the game. so we'll see how that goes.



oh! and tom and i are doing just fine. just evil people like to fuck us up.

I will only believe what I can see and if i should have any regrets about us I will only blame myself.

easy to love, difficult to survive.

so the fights just keep happening again and again and again.. im very tired of it..

he's going through a rough time and i should understand.. what hurts the most is that i cant be there for him.. and i mean literally.. when i should be right? i dont just want to be his friend.. i want to be his everything.. like how he is to me.

i know that we're greeat when we're together.. we both know that and that's why we're not gonna give up..

i don't want to give up because i really love you tom.. i do.. sometimes i don't think u actually know how much i do.. i dont think u know how worried i get when ur phone is switched off or u don't answer it.. u can't imagine what goes on in my head when u go missing for hours..i know it sounds bad.. it really does.. but im also trying to trust you.. but i get nothing..

i just want u to be here.. with me.. 27 days..

So I'm working for my dad now.. and I think my life in competitive golf is diminishing.. not that it's a bad thing.. but there was never really a future for golf in Singapore anyways. especially for girls.. i mean seriously. there is no support what so ever.. probably by the time there is support I'd be like 35 or smth.

I applied for NTU and now they asked me to go for a 45 min test and an interview.. I don't see the point going cause it's set that I'm working for my dad full time learning to take over the business and take a part time degree in some maritime law or smth. well anyways. whatever I have learnt in the past 12 years of my schooling days is kind of useless. well except for math.. and english.. maybe a little chinese.. yeah that's abt it i guess..

Thomas is coming in 34 days.. I really can't wait.. we're going to take a trip to bintan for abt 4 nights and just i dono get lost in our own little world... i swear this long distance relationship is fucking hard.. I work from like 9 to 6.. sometimes 9 to 9! and i get paid 8 hours a day fixed. cause i'm part time.. and 6.50 an hour. but it's ok after tom comes i'm going to be paid full time and i think that's only abt 1200.. which is not much of a difference from part time so yeah its ok. it's for my dad..

I mean sure ive always wanted to work in a hospital and all that.. but my dad is 62 and he's not getting any stronger.. he can't keep working late nights and stuff and with me around to help things are a lot easier for him.. especially when he's not computer literate.. yeah he really isn't. he types with one finger. srsly. and eventually my sisters will come into the company and in fact my sisters husband is joining on monday.. I would never know the experience of working for other companies.. well other than working in a golf shop.. but i think working for my dad is as difficult as working for other people.. as you can see coming home at 9..

yeah tha'ts abt it.. oh and i've become less fit. which means i think my muscles has turned to flabs or smth? so yeah i need to hit the gym again or just do some fukin pilates. fuk i wanna go for classes but i dont know where or how or what is a gd one..

oh i haven't registered for driving yet. =O hmmmm hahahhahaha.

Hi Im back. 36 days till tom gets here.

why hello........

okay so i've been wanting to post this since abt 3 months back? okay so i was so tired from training i was taking the bus to school and when i reached the interchange no one woke me up.. no one. NO ONE. except the bus driver which doesn't make sense. because people should wake me up. it's only right. and not wait for the bus driver to wake me up. am i that scary. do they think i'll kick them if i woke up?? jeeeeeezzzzzzz.


okay and then yes. ive been working and training my ass off. and now i have to study my ass off for fridays re sit exam so i dont have to retake the whole fuckin personal training module..

oh and im going to get a tattoo of an angel carrying an anchor. :)

yupp i am still awake at 351am.

hangover, yes. tom woke me up.

i passed out naked. hmmm

shit. exam in 5 hours

my next post is gonna be awesome. I promise. Im so tired now.